Good Morning Campers: The Expose

Aloha, Konbanwa!
Warning, This Post Is Written By The Resident Drunkard, Sam.
For Becky's Version of Events, Click Here.
It was a cold morning, although I had managed to fall asleep next to the sidewall of the tent, where the rainwater-condensation-combo pooled into, though. I was in good company...

So yes, we went camping this week, despite so many signs from fate telling us we were all to die, yet, we're all alive, well physically. There was the ominous falling tree, the inquisitive "WHY" number plate and the fact it was to be THE wettest day for 50 years.

Of course, we then had "The Tom; the lost phone, the low battery and lost keys saga" which ended up with Tom being driven to our secret location after missing the bus. Whilst myself, Mr Joe and Bev attempted to check out a local inn to pass the time. After sitting down and looking at the menu, we came to the horrible realization that the price, for even a small plate of chips was extortionate*, for we had mistakenly wandered into some, hushed, posh pub... We had to establish a plan to get ourselves out:

Bev came up with the unused "Let's just get up and run" technique while Mr Joe, with a sly, smug smile leaned forward and whispered:

"I've got it... You two, are a ravenous couple and run off to the bathroom with each-other, while, I, am an important business man who must make an important phone call.."

No, I really don't know either...
So, basically we ended up storming out of the place, with me loudly shouting
"Well, if he isn't coming here, we'll leave!".

Tom eventually arrived, to find us sat opposite the offending restaurant, alert and ready to run from some sort of angry Mexican chef and his prized, oversized IKEA knife set.

We returned to camp, where the lovely Becky, Rach and Jamie had set up the little Glastonbury of our own. Just, without the thousands of other tents, serious mud problem, stack of weed and live music... So, I guess, not like Glastonbury at all**.

Yes. I'm sorry the picture is not better. I was hardly able to take a beautiful one at the time.
I believe I fell into the grass to watch some stars after this, so ner, to you.

However though... From this moment, the few hours afterward, when the first, offending can was cracked open, normal time and energy, sober time and energy is disrupted by an evil, terrible substance, in the form of cans of Strongbow, Stella, Smirnoff*** and some other liquids secretly brought in regular looking, concealed plastic bottles... Oh, aren't we the rebels?...

I remember everything though, I never forget what happens. I remember the sun setting, I remember the sky's billowing grey clouds shifting away to "Hell" for the night. We talked for at least 4 hours. It was pretty perfect.

I remember the night, I remember staring at the stars and singing, very loudly.
I remember falling into thick reeds and screaming random words, as well as attempting to speak Japanese.
And other such moments like when I found myself running back to camp after hearing fireworks, screaming:

"GET DOWN! THE HUNS ARE COMING!
I HAVE 54p TO GET US TO SAFETY!"

...Yeh. Well, screw you too.

You want more absurdity? How about Mr Joe's "Blue eye"? It's cause?
A high-speed, low-range, light-weight, inter-tentary ballistic weapon, in this case, a BITESIZE TWIX. You think I'm joking? Take a look:

And you thought the calories were what was bad for you Mr Joe****...

Of course, the worst catastrophe, occured beyond any measurable scale...
Where, an innocent, fantastically-awesome tasting cake was destroyed into thousands of cake-dust-fibres and cake-blobs that resembled what can only be described as something a cat would eject from its little kitty face. It was also in my hair (Yes Joe, PROPER cake hair) and stuck to the side of my jeans. Evidence of the evil, cat-cake-mashup seen, below.

We're just thankful it was cake...

Friends, this is the life.

Sam.
Mood of the Day: Pitched-Up-Tented-Tiredness
Listening To: The Mario Football Strikers Charged Menu Tune
Current Theory: Ice Cream Improves Brain Logic
Quote of the Moment: "That's not very communist of you..."

*Which seems to be the buzz word of my life recently, apart from words like "Sandwich", "Microwave" or useful, well known phrases such as "Oh f***".
**If you came for a blog that made vague sense and you are now upset with the service you are receiving you can call: 0900-No-Body-Gives-A-Damn-Start-Your-Own-Blog-And-Try-It.
***Usually marketed under the secondary brand name "Lemonade".
****And WOW Mr Joe, your snoring, is UNBELIVABLE.

Final Health Warning:
According to dearest couzin Alice, who has been locked away in her home, you can now, comment YOURSELF on the evil, soul-destroying "social network" MySpace.
I guess that means you can now hold conversations with your former self.
I think Alice has a new pastime...

Oh dear...

Aloha, Good Morning.
I though I'd just pass on the results of a sleep-related test I took a few minutes ago...
It's not looking good..

Your answers to the Epworth Sleepiness Test indicate you may be significantly sleep-deprived. You may wish to consult with your physician to discuss futher investigation.

Sam.

Flash!

Aloha, Konbanwa!
So, just came home from Starbucks, pretty early, less people than usual...
I could barely afford my bus ticket, or the large hot chocolate with cream, yet I still go. There must be something clinically wrong with me.

Being incredibly poor I checked in with the job-world, Borders said there should be some jobs going in August and TESCO told me to drop in my CV. Consider it done.
See now I can work in TESCO undercover and get my burnt out toaster back. Inside job and all that.

Of course, the highlight was walking to the bus stop with Becky and Matt where a large white limo went literally screaming past, with three girls hanging out the side window, flashing us.
So, I screamed and waved back, it was as if they thought it was a bad thing for us? Well they're not my breasts are they?

Obviously, that's the effect I have on the ladies... A change from the usual screaming and crying.

I think Becky speaks for all of us:
"That made my day."

Sam.
Mood of the Day: Suitably Caffeinated
Listening To: Lou Reed - Satellite of Love ('04 Remix)
Current Theory: Water is 94.7% Evil
Quote of the Moment: "...Because one day Sam, you'll look clean..."

Extra Special Message:
Happy Birthday for Lydia. She can have sex with me now. But shh. She doesn't know she wants to yet.

Currently, You Don't Have Enough Credit...

Aloha, Good Morning.
Day 3 of the holiday, it's 13:22 and I'm eating my breakfast, chocolate ice-cream.
I must admit, so far I'm pretty pleased with myself, I've actually been getting of my ass and going places, such as Rachael's house to eat biscuits and Tom's house to watch house and well, TESCO.

Because TESCO is the place to be.
No, seriously it is.

So, Tuesday, I found myself at TESCO attempting to script for Studio8 with Tom and Bev whilst co-eating trifle stolen from the managers table, we have a contact in the catering and cleaning department you see. Wonderful stuff.

Leaving TESCO, with the joy of theived-jelly in our stomachs, we walked back to Tom's when the sky, decided to crack open and not just pour rain, but really POUR rain. Our effort to hide under some cruddy little banzai tree failed, leaving us to take in the beauty that was the rain. It was amazing.

So, in true Studio8 style, photographer Bev pictured us presenting our Late-Afternoon Weather Show.

I'm supposed to be getting some sort of job, for money and that because, when you struggle to pay £1.14 for some chips, you know you're hitting a new low.
The thing is employment seems like a great idea on paper but not so much in reality...
I guess we'll see how that works out. I'm still living on the dream that Borders will call me anyday now...

Well, inevitably I was going to take another crack at the exams, I couldn't let it slide by once more, people keep asking me when I'll get the results back, as if they contain any real importance such as high blood sugar.
Well basically we've all gotta wait a good two months for the results, mainly because the examiners mark about one paper a day due to their arthritic hands and obsession for television soaps.
We all know they'll end up marking our work with a series of tea-cup rings and microwave-spaghetti stains, leading to everyone receiving the wonderful, "prestigious" A*.
Yet, we both know that F stands for "F***ing-Fantastic"...

According to T-Mobile, I "Don't Have Enough Credit To Make A Call" and my balance is "Zero". Well, thank you very much T-Mobile, for your poor, poor signal coverage and extraordinarily-extortionate tariff, I'm probably paying £1 per text now.
I don't need you T-Mobile, I'll start my own network, see how you feel then? Hey?

...I'll just E-MAIL everyone instead.

Sam.
Mood of the Day: Microwaved Rain, Soaked in the Warm Glow Of Happiness
Listening To: Motion City Soundtrack - The Future Freaks Me Out
Current Theory: I'll Never Get A Job.
Quote of the Moment: "SO TOM, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE CURRENT WEATHER SITUATION?"

The End of Another Chapter, Or Something

Aloha, Konbanwa!
Wow... I stepped out of the school today with the knowledge that I'll never be officially attending it again.
I finished my final "exam", Drama. I wrote the least out of the entire year, but it's AQA, turning up got me the A*. Still, it was odd, I scarwled "NO MORE EXAMS XD" onto myself upside-down, pretty well, may I add and smugly paraded around, yet I can't say I felt overwhelmed with any sort of feeling of happiness or relief.

I'll miss it though. It was an awesome five years.

So, Summer. 14 or so weeks of lying on my arse, hopefully every now and again churning out some brand new stuff for Studio8. Or, as my dad demands, get myself a job...


Ah, if only life was as easy as it was two weeks ago, where I, Becky and Tom nearly choked to death eating a large chocolate cake as fast as we could just so no-one else could join us. I used my magical power to quickly and effectively snap the spoons and souls of anyone who tried to steal our precious chocolate.

It was the same day I discovered the destructive buying power of TESCO. I noticed a small LCD television placed above the lemonade on the drinks isle, it played elevatorish music and pictures of the country...

EVERY person who walked down that isle picked up two bottles of lemonade... It's a terrible conspiracy. I wan't fall into that trap, not for your damn lemonade.

Sam.
Mood of the Day: Tomato
Listening To: Nothing Much
Current Theory: I Have Nothing To Do
Quote of the Moment: "No Matt! This is the Studio8 Cake!"

Quick Tee-Related Post

Aloha!
I designed a Tee for Threadless!
It's incredibly low score will be shown below if it's approved =)



Sam.

! Update !

Yeh, so, my tee wasn't approved. Shut up. Obviously my work was too amazing or whatever, for those interested, here is what my design looked like:

And, yes. It is copyright. Steal it, you die.

The TESCO Toaster... Continued

Aloha, Konbanwa!
So, we received a letter from TESCO's Customer Service Centre, in Dundee* this afternoon.
After spelling our surname wrong they claimed to be "sorry to learn about the problem" with our toaster and they "sincerely for the inconvinience caused".

Yes, you did read that right, not only did they spell the surname wrong they also left out the word 'apologize' or 'jumped off a bridge'.

My favourite part of the letter is where they "ensure" that this toaster complies with "the safety standards" and this "incident has nothing to do with this product being dangerous".

Wooah! So hold on... You're telling me, that, my toaster bursting into flames, in the middle of the night, has nothing to do with a faulty or dangerous product? Ah, so, the whole catching fire and scorching the kitchen wall is a standard feature, sorry. My bad.

TESCO then continue to subliminally place the blame upon us, claiming our "electrical trip is sensitvive and interrupted the current supply quickly before the electric settled in the product."
Does that even make sense?
See, I know little about electricity, but can electricity "settle"?
And I'm sure our electrical trip is a hardcore, man-trip, with no sensitivity or feeling, he just trips out when he's needed dammit! *Salutes*

"...although I can appreciate your concerns with your toaster, I am afraid that we are unable to assist you further on this occasion."
Concerns? It nearly burnt my house down! We were, ever so slightly more than concerned.
And assist me further? It was you, TESCO, who nearly killed us all, your assistance is a joke!

"Thank you for letting us know."
Oh f*** off.
You make it sound like I told you that a lift in your store didn't work properly. Imma take your asses to court.

Sam.
Mood of the Day: Collapsable
Listening To: Strip My Mind - RHCP
Current Theory: French Exam Tomorrow... Haha.
Quote of the Moment: "First Rule Of The Tea Club: NEVER Talk About The Tea Club"

*That's Freephone 0800 505555 if anyone fancies giving them a call one day.

Borders and Toasters

Aloha, Konbanwa!
So, I finally got off my ass and took my CV to Borders today.
I hope I get some sort of job, even if it involves working as an automatic door, it's a really nice place.
Do you think they shredded my CV as I walked away? =(

Moving on though, I woke up the day before yesterday, very late as usual, finding my stomach demanding its morning skyscraper of toast to munch down for energy to stop me collapsing in the middle of book shops*.

However. entering the kitchen, I was incredibly confuzed by the lack of the toaster.

Where the hell is the toaster?

Obviously, someone hiding the toaster wouldn't go down well. So something odd's happened.

And what could that possibly be?
Yes, my TESCO Value Toaster caught fire in the middle of the night. Almost burning down the house with me and my family inside. I first found the fact my toaster burst into flames hysterical, spontaneous combustion is pretty damn amusing, right?

My dad asked me if I had been making toast in the middle of the night, as I often do. To which I replied:

Why, do you think if the toaster burst into flames infront of me I'd just leave it and go back to bed? I'd obviously be screaming "Fire!"** and other unknown words.

Being a fan of conspiracy*** and law suits I have decided I want to sue TESCO for damages**** everything they have, as they tried to kill me, obviously in an attempt to stop Studio8 wiping out the rest of the film industry by 2018. They'll recover anyway, they'll just buy out some other small supermarket chain and continue their takeover bid for Earth, finally turning the planet into one huge supermarket, where you will travel to once a light decade from your intergalatic home, to do a light month of shopping.

So really. I'm just trying to save the world. Your everyday hero...

Sam.
Mood of the Day: Optimistic
Listening To: I'm A Bitch - Alanis Morissette
Current Theory: TESCO's going down.
Quote of the Moment: "http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/The_Flying_Pear"

*I managed to collapse in Borders today. The best part was Mr Joe didn't notice, even though I fell less than a metre away from him.
**In Japanese of course. Just to bring some culture and increased confuzion to the moment.
***Myself and Tom have concluded to agree to disagree on 9/11. He makes good points. I'm scared to debate with him. A tip from the wise, never debate with Tom on politics, I've never tried and never will.
****Such as the fateful electrical damage to my computer (Sssh, I'm posting from another computer... Far, far away... Somewhere...) as well as my fear of toasters and other toasting devices, including sunbeds, microwave ovens and lightbulbs.